Why Relationships Fail
How does somebody know if he or she has a problem with relationships? By looking at the history. If a person is an adult who consistently struggles to maintain relationships across family, social, and professional life, there is likely something wrong. Or, more to the point, something he or she is doing that makes the relationships difficult to sustain.
In this post, I explore the personality traits and behaviors that commonly lead to the collapse of relationships or to very uncomfortable relationship dynamics. Broadly speaking, there are two categories of people, or two buckets of personality traits, that make it either impossible to sustain relationships or result in highly imbalanced interpersonal dynamics. I will refer to the first category as emotionally aggressive and to the second as emotionally passive. Note that these are not clinical terms, but just a way of describing two different suites of traits.
The current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) recognizes ten problematic personality traits split into three clusters: A, B, and C. Cluster B is the one associated with emotionally intense, dramatic, and erratic people. Many therapists use this term unofficially to describe difficult individuals. This is because the traits featured in cluster B are both abrasive and draining. Emotionally aggressive individuals, too, frequently possess many traits consistent with borderline personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder.
Cluster B Personality
Dramatic. Emotional. Unpredictable.
Antisocial
Disregard for others.
Breaks rules.
Manipulative. Deceitful. No remorse.
Borderline
Intense emotions.
Unstable relationships.
Fear of abandonment. Impulsive. Unstable.
Histrionic
Needs attention.
Overly dramatic.
Seeking approval. Superficial.
Narcissistic
Grandiose self-view.
Lack of empathy.
Needs admiration. Sense of entitlement.
Such individuals are highly interpersonally sensitive, exhibit anxious attachment behaviors, struggle with emotional regulation and affective control, are impatient or quick to anger, and engage in generally aggressive, threatening, or manipulative behaviors. To be clear, the spectrum for these traits is wide. Many people have experienced moments in their lives in which such traits may have manifested, usually in youth or at times of duress. However, I am talking about individuals who display such behaviors regularly.
Emotionally aggressive people can appear either very manipulative or very immature. They are often paranoid and assume malice where there is none. Many mishaps are interpreted by them as conspiracies. When they do not get what they want, they tend to “split” or engage in all-or-nothing thinking about others. This means that when they like you, you are a saint, and when they are displeased with you, you are evil.
When emotionally aggressive people are romantically involved, or when they are losing control of an important relationship, they commonly resort to attention-seeking behaviors such as quarrels or threats. This is because emotionally aggressive people struggle to tolerate negative emotions and thoughts, which leads them to a rapid loss of behavioral control. The intensity of their emotions is often so high that they irrationally lash out. The origin of such a maladaptive psychological makeup can be found in genetics, trauma, upbringing, or all three.
It should be obvious why emotionally aggressive people fail in relationships. Their behavior simply drives others away. Immediate family aside, the only relationships emotionally aggressive people might manage to hold on to are usually passive or superficial. Whether or not such individuals receive an official clinical diagnosis, they require rigorous psychological support to fix their core issue, which is emotional dysregulation. Beyond that, the people in their lives need to be strong boundary-setters, curtailing bad behavior with clarity and speed. If there are no consequences, there is no reason to change.
Emotionally passive people, on the other hand, tend not to suffer from as much relationship loss as the aggressive type. However, their relationships are often superficial, lacking in reciprocity, and generally unsatisfying. This can lead to a high degree of discomfort and resentment. Such individuals are frequently avoidant, exhibit low self-esteem, and think of themselves as unlovable or helpless. I have described them as passive because they are fearful of confrontation and believe that conflict will terminate the relationship. As a result, they tend to tolerate a lot of bad behavior and even abuse. At some level, they believe they either deserve it or cannot hope for anything better.
When emotionally passive people do lose a relationship, it is commonly due to lack of follow-up. These individuals often assume that inconsistent communication by others is a deliberate attempt to ghost them. Because they struggle with self-assertion, they are also less likely to initiate contact themselves: for instance, after lengthy breaks or when a conflict has occurred. While the aggressive group must learn to respect the boundaries of others, emotionally passive people must learn how to set them.
Two Categories. Same Root.
Different emotional responses can share the same underlying root.
Emotionally Aggressive
Protective, controlling, and threat-focused.
Emotionally Aggressive
- Attacks to protect
- Controls to feel safe
- Sees others as threats
- Driven by fear of abandonment
Emotionally Passive
Avoidant, shut down, and disconnected.
Emotionally Passive
- Withdraws to avoid conflict
- Shuts down to stay safe
- Disconnects from others
- Driven by fear of abandonment
Shared Root
The common underlying pattern beneath both categories.
Shared Root
- Maladaptive responses
- Driven by irrational fears
- Distorted sense of self
- Reactions to anticipated abandonment
At first glance, these two categories of traits appear very different. However, they have a lot in common. Both are maladaptive or dysfunctional responses to conflict and emotional distress. Both are driven by irrational fears and perceived threats. Both involve a distorted sense of self. Both are reactions to anticipated abandonment. Finally and most importantly, both can be improved through deliberate work and cognitive behavioral interventions.